《东方都市报》导读
周日是母亲节，你给妈妈说节日快乐了吗？
2019.5.12 周日
母亲节
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沉闷
忌
母亲节前夕，我们做了一个小采访，问题是“‘妈妈’这两个字在你脑子里的第一印象是什么？”
A：第一印象是……怀胎十月，挺着肚子，双脚浮肿，经历十级疼痛生小孩。
B：家里的家务标准全得听她的，东西放在哪儿只有她知道。
C：我姐生完小孩头半年没有睡过完整觉，上厕所都是飞奔来回，不敢离开小孩10秒钟。
……
采访得到的答案大多相似，高频词总绕不开“爱”、“牺牲”、“做饭”、“喂奶”、“操心”这些字眼。
不过我们想知道，抛开传统女主内的育儿分工和家务劳动，妈妈们，在社会建构的“母职”宏大叙事之外，可以多么有趣。
社交网站推特在母亲节期间有一个热门话题叫做#FunnyThingsMomsSay#（妈妈说过的那些搞笑的话）。
一起来听听看别人家的妈妈是什么画风。
1. “Don’t turn the light on while I’m driving, or I’ll get in a car accident.”
“我开车的时候别开灯！想让我出事故吗！”
This was a lot. My mom made me feel like a criminal every time I turn on that car light.
这句话她说得超频繁。每次我把车里的灯打开，我妈就会让我觉得自己是个犯人。
2. Because I said so!
因为是我说哒！
3. My mom used to scare me with this one: “Put on clean underwear! If you get hit by a bus, all the nurses will see those dirty ones!”. Always wondered which situation would have been worse.
我妈以前会这么说来吓唬我：“给我穿条干净内裤！不穿的话想想要是你被公交车撞了，护士们就会看到你的脏内裤。” 这估计是最糟糕的状况了吧。
4. My mom told me: “All you had to do was drink water. Water will be the cure for anything. If your head hurt, if you got a cold, if you are two inches away from dying …”
我妈跟我说：“喝水就好啦。喝水治百病。头疼喝水，感冒喝水，离死亡只差两英寸也……”
5. Have you lost your cotton-picking mind!
你脑子坏掉啦！
6. If you fall out of that tree and break both legs, don’t come running to me.
要是你从树上掉下来摔断两条腿，别跑过来找我。
7. Don’t look at me in that tone!
别用那种口气看着我！
8. I should have swallowed you!
当初就该把你塞回去！
9. 80% kids will get this one: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyes!”
很多小孩儿都听过这句话：“离电视远点儿！眼睛会搞瞎！”
10. You may do whatever you want but not while you are living under my roof.
你想干嘛都可以，但只要住在我眼皮子底下一天，就不行。
11. I was about 9 or 10 when mom told me: “You’d better learn to wipe your butt better or do your own laundry. No woman wants to live with a man who has dirty draws.”
那时候我才9岁10岁吧，我妈跟我说：“你要么学会擦屁股，要么就自己洗衣服。没有哪个女人会跟内裤上有粑粑印的男人生活。”
12. If I can carry you for 9 months, you can carry those groceries from the car to the house.
我的肚子能驮着你9个月，你就不能把这些菜从车上搬到家里？
13. My siblings name when she’s addressing me.
我妈叫我的时候老是喊成我姐妹的名字。
14. “I won’t get mad if you just tell me.” That is the biggest lie moms ever say.
“你早跟我说，我会生气吗？” 这估计是妈妈们最大的谎言。
15. Why do you still live in my house? You are 35.
你为什么还住在我家？你35岁啦。
16. Wait until your dad gets home.
等你爸回家有你好看。
17. Wait until you have children.
等你有孩子你就知道了。
18. “Don’t make me turn this car around!” We all know she’s not going to turn the car around.
“别逼我掉头打道回府！” 其实我们都知道她不会掉头的。
19. Mummy’s just having grape juice like you are. (pouring wine into her wineglass)
和你一样妈咪只是在喝果汁啦（倒红酒）。
20. Don’t you roll your eyes at me! I’ll take you out and make another one who looks just like you.
你再敢跟我翻白眼！我把你轰出去然后再生一个跟你长得一模一样的。
21. Mom: What’s my passcode again?
Me: Same as your phone number.
Mom: What’s my phone number again?
妈：“我密码是多少来着？”
我：“你手机号”
妈：“我手机号是多少来着？”
22. Mom: “Who did this?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Mom: “I didn’t ask WHO did it, I am telling you to pick it up!”
妈：“谁弄的！”
我：“我不知道。”
妈：“我没问你是谁弄的，我是叫你给我捡起来！”
23. “I love my children equally”. And we all know that’s a lie.
“我对孩子们一视同仁。” 其实我们都知道是假的。
24. I brought you into this world and I can TAKE YOU OUT.
我可以把你带到这个世界上，我也可以把你轰出去。
25. You better not ever start a fight. But if someone starts one with you, YOU BETTER FINISH IT!”
人不犯你你不犯人，人若犯你你最好给我把TA打趴下。
26. “You are beautiful and people will love you.” — Where are those people momma?
“你很漂亮啦，会有人爱你的” —— 老妈，这些人在哪？
27. If you don’t eat your carrots, you won’t be able to see in the dark.
要是你不吃胡萝卜，晚上你就会瞎掉。
28. This isn’t a hotel, you know.
家里不是酒店，你知道吧。
29. Having to say everything twice, having to say everything twice.
每句话都要说两遍！真的每句话都要说两遍！
30. “Don’t you call my first name!”
“你再敢直呼我名字！”
I guess every family is different but if I ever call my mom by her first name, her hand print will still be on my cheek.
我感觉每个家里都不一样，但是要是我直呼我妈的名字，估计我脸上就会留下她的巴掌印。
31. Close the door. We are not cooling the whole neighborhood.
把门关上！我们不是在给整个街区制冷！
32. Me and two brothers and two sisters: “Mom, who do you love most?”
Mom: “You know, I never wanted children.”
我、两个哥哥还有两个姐姐问妈妈：“妈，你最爱哪一个啊？”
妈：“那个嗯……我之前就没想生小孩来着。”
33. If you don’t clean the gaps between your toes properly, you’ll start growing potatoes out of them.
你要是不认认真真洗脚指头中间那块儿，就会有土豆从那儿长出来。
34. Dad is a millionaire – in the least worth currency in the world.
你爸其实是个百万富翁——以世界上最便宜的货币算。
35. Did you wash your hoo-ha?
你洗澡洗“那里”了吗？
36. You kids are the reason mommy drinks.
你们这帮熊孩子就是妈妈喝酒的原因。
你的妈妈都说过哪些让你捧腹不已的话呢？留言告诉我们吧。
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来源：中国日报
编辑：小豆子
