已成功灭雅思的烤鸭范文 -- 批改考官评分及注释
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Many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. ?To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is sometimes argued that the world has become materialistic. In my opinion, I believe that nowadays, a majority of people consume too much unnecessary products and tend to be money and possession oriented.
Undoubtedly, today, average people buy a wide range unneeded items. For example, technology lovers update their mobile phones and laptops whenever the latest editions are released, even though their old ones are still in good condition. Another example is that people prefer to use specialized products such as lenses cleaner when glassed can be easily cleaner by dish washing liquid.
Consumerism leads people place more significance on money. Instead of valuing one’s personality, most people judge other’s success by salaries. Parents think they can compensate their children with money due to their consistent absence of family dinner. Many employees work not for their ambitions, their interests and their dreams, but for the income. Money has become the answer to every question and the master of the majorities.
You don’t have ONE clear central idea in thisparagraph – you mentioned money can be used to judge one’s success (I think),but you didn’t explain or support it with any example. Then you use an exampleto prove money can be used for emotional compensation. After that, you discussthe purpose of work is for money, but you didn’t explain why.
Consumerism also results in people’s insanely enthusiasm in possessions. What one own is deemed to be who one is. The type of the car that a man drives dedicates his financial status. The brand of the handbag a female wears shows her taste. As a vicious circle, men and women purchase more fancy and luxurious items in order to prove their either financial situation or classic preferences.
In conclusion, consumers buy too much these days and focus too much on money and possessions.
Make sure you write at least 250 words in the realtest.
You give a clear position about this task in your introduction.Then you should provide reason why people today do pay more attention to moneyand become materialistic.
I think that you didn’t give a good plan beforestart writing your answer.
Plan your essay is very important, because it willgive you a clear structure of your essay. You will know what reasons you aregoing to use in your essay. Can you write down three sentences about the threeclear reasons that used to support your view? By making a plan you can cleargive reasons (they are the topic sentences in your body paragraphs), then writedown some RELEVANT examples that can be used to support each reason.
TR: 6 – you have some good ideas, but some of theyare really hard to follow. And there are some repetitions in your essay aswell. try to give an overview in your introduction and it helps.
CC: 6 – you don’t have a good illustration aboutyour essay. You need use linking devices to connect your ideas, examples andsupportive information. Particularly, the 3rd paragraph in youressay isn’t developed well.
LR: 7 – you do have some good range and use oftopic vocabulary. And keep working on topic related phrases.
GRA: 7 – avoid some minor mistakes.
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