【墨尔本7Plus线上雅思写作免费批改】今日话题：艺术家应不应该给予完全自由？,7PLUS英语微信公众号文章

7Plus墨尔本雅思培训学校 为还在为写作犯愁的烤鸭们带来福音：前考官外教Bernie 亲自免费批改作文，为烤鸭们找出顽固症结。现在只要关注7Plus 公共微信：mel7plus 输入“writing”就可以获得近期雅思作文预测，选择一个题目提交就可以获得独家定制批改。

以下是一位同学的习作和Bernie的批改：

【批改注释】Red wrong, green replaces wrong not good but ok blue possible alternatives purple comments

Write about the following topic:

Creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music or film) in whichever way they wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do.

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

----↓学生习作和修改点↓-----

I agree with the statement that there should be no government restriction on creative artists who express their ideas in their prefer(preferred) way and they should be able to express their talent more freely. Under some circumstances, some restriction is understandable because the government wants to manage the social media and keep it under a certain control.However, in(from)my point of views, it is more important for the public to live under a freedom society, withthe right of free speech and freedom of action.

Creative artists play a major role in our society. They guide the direction of social fashion, andenlighten the human soul. No matter the creation of the work is based on the social fact or entertainment. There must be something to stimulate the artist’s spirit. Some of the work even reflects the social reality or society’s brutality to a certain degree. In this case, it might behard to accept by people who have a good imagination impression of the society. However, these pieces of work become the evidence of the social development.

For government,sometimes the restriction is understandable. The country wants to show public the light side instead of the dark side. For examples, some artists love to express the society reality with bloody color painting. To adult, its might be acceptable,but for children it’s a cruel and misleading education. However, rules and regulations not always are the solution to how the artists express their ideas.Since the rules restrict the innate talent and inspiration of the artists which also unable the possibility of the creation of the master work. Meanwhile, it prohibits the public right of knowing the fact. In general, government should choose alternative way to control the media rather than restrict them.

----↑学生习作和修改点↑-----

下面是我们的老师批改后所写的建议

总体的批语：

You has not answered the question asked.

And you have tries to sit on the fence, saying I agree but. You have given no clear position.

对于题目的分析：

This is a statement; it requires a yes or no type response. You either agree or you disagree, the question is not about this statement.

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

This is the question.

问题的类型：

This is an argument type answer, not a discussion; it is the opinion not the issue of artistic freedom that you need to address.

If you paraphrase the opinion you get something like:

There should be no censorship on artists.

To what extent do you support censorship of art.

分段写作的问题：

In paragraph 1 you say you agree, then you say “Under some circumstances, some restriction is understandable”, so you now disagree. Then you talk about freedom, but the idea of restrictions is about people being free from being confronted by offensive material, so the idea of restricting art is to maintain freedom. Overall your introduction does not tell reader what you think and where you are going.

Paragraph 2: This is about art and culture, it does not follow on from your Introduction and says nothing about your feelings on the topic “to what extent do you believe art should face no restrictions”.

Paragraph 3: this is justification for Govt. restrictions, again it does not talk about what you think. The last sentence is the only part that reflects your opinion. Also the structure and grammar of the last paragraph is not as good as the first 2.

Practices paraphrasing the question to make sure you are clear as to what is being asked.

The question reefers to extent, so you can use 1 or 2 sentences defining the limits of the topic as you see it. This is your introduction.

Then say why you feel you are somewhere between these limits.

In your conclusion you can say what you think would result from either extreme being allowed, total freedom of expression or total restriction on creative expression..

其他问题

Grammar needs to be improved.

Also think about your vocabulary

总结性的分析

The topic is CENSORSHIP, this is a very emotive topic.

If you are against it use words like repressive, boring, restrictive, creative, stimulating.

If you support it use words like violent, disgusting, explicit, immoral,

If you are asked “To what extend do you agree or disagree” tell the reader what you think and why you think it.

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