雅思写作考官指点然并卵！,图南英语微信公众号文章

前两期的“写作解密”中，带大家批改了一位“写作8.5名师”的文章和一篇新东方出版的写作书中的作文。（回复“名师”即可查阅往期“写作解密”）

今天带大家看一篇学生习作。这位同学曾把这篇文章给前任考官批改，考官说整体水平到达了7分，考试应该能过，可惜并没指出症结所在。而这位同学之前考了3次，成绩稳定在6.5分，今天通过这篇作文给大家分析一下，这位同学的写作到底出了什么问题？！

文章最后还会教大家如何分辨真假考官哦！

题目

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

第一段

In this day and age, how to cultivate children to become useful adults for the society is a highly debatable issue. Some hold the view that a sense of competition is favorable, while the opponents argue that the capability of cooperation is more valuable for them. Generally, I am in favor of the latter view.

句2： Some hold the view that a sense of competition is favorable, while the opponents argue that the capability of cooperation is more valuable for them.

槽点：‘Opponents’ 使用不恰当。‘some’ 应该对应 ‘others’.

第二段

On one hand, becoming competitive, to some extent, can benefit children. It is reasonable to argue that the sense of competition has a probable connection with motivation of progress. Competitive students are better self-motivated on improving their academic performance, as well as other employable skills. On the other hand, competitiveness may be detrimental for children to get on well with peers. This may mainly due to the reason that, focusing too much on winning, competitive students may not be willing to help slow-learners in their class, which may make them alienated. This is damaging to their interpersonal relationships with colleagues in the future.

句1：On one hand, becoming competitive, to some extent, can benefit children.

翻译：一方面，在某种程度上说，变得有竞争力能够使孩子受益。

槽点：更像是结论，没有说在哪方面有帮助

句2：It is reasonable to argue that the sense of competition has a probable connection with motivation of progress.

翻译：竞争意识有可能会和进步的动力有关

槽点：competition has connection with motivation中文也不通啊

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句3： Competitive students are better self-motivated on improving their academic performance, as well as other employable skills.

翻译：有竞争力的学生在提高自己学术表现方面更有主动性，同样还能提高他们的雇佣可能性。

槽点：和上一句不是一个意思么？

句4：On the other hand, competitiveness may be detrimental for children to get on well with peers.

改为：On the other hand, competitiveness may be detrimental for children's relationships with their peers.

句6： This may mainly due to the reason that, focusing too much on winning, competitive students may not be willing to help slow-learners in their class, which may make them alienated.

改为： This is mainly due to the fact that, competitive students focus so much on winning that they are not be willing to help slow-learners in their class, which may make them alienated.

句7：This is damaging to their interpersonal relationships with colleagues in the future.

改为：This will be damaging to their interpersonal relationships with colleagues in the future.

整体评价：文章不仅仅是语法问题，表达和思路都有问题。整个段落句子之间没有任何关联，更像是几篇文章拼凑起来的，比如说competitive students may not be willing to help slow-learners in their class这句话更适合于自私的学生，而非有竞争意识的学生。而may make them alienated更适合的题目是学生为什么缺乏与人交往的能力。

第三段

However, crucial as it may be seen, the capability of cooperation may be more beneficial for children’s future socialand working lives. For one thing, cooperation offers children better opportunities to equip themselves with new skills. To be more specific, it is an ideal method to learn from their peers’ strengths to offset their own weakness through cooperating. This will gradually improve their competitive edge and make them marketable in employment market in the future. For another,cooperation is helpful for students to achieve higher targets. It is indispensable that the achievement of teamwork can be much better than that ofan individual. Therefore, learning how to cooperate with others efficiently, as well as how to become an effective member of a team, helps children to makebetter contribution for the society at large.

句1：However, crucial as it may be seen, the capability of cooperation may be more beneficial for children’s future social and working lives.

槽点：Social and working lives是什么？缺少例子

句3： To be more specific, it is an ideal method to learn from their peers’ strengths to offset their own weakness through cooperating.

改为：To be more specific, it is an ideal method to learn from their peers’ strengths and to offset their own weaknesses by cooperating with one another.

槽点：那前一句所说的 ‘new skills’ 在哪里呢？

句4： This will gradually improve their competitive edge and make them marketable in employment market in the future. For another, cooperation is helpful for students to achieve higher targets.

改为：This will gradually improve their competitive edge and make them marketable in the job market in the future. For another, cooperation helps students to achieve higher targets.

槽点：targets没有说清是什么目标，你是说射击的靶子放的更高吗？

句8： It is indispensable that the achievement of teamwork can be much better than that of an individual.

槽点：indispensable的意思是绝对需要，比如说汽车工业发展绝对需要公路建设和汽油供应。

句9：Therefore, learning how to cooperate withothers efficiently, as well as how to become an effective member of a team,helps children to make better contribution for the society at large.

改为：Therefore, learning how to cooperate with others efficiently, as well as how to become an effective member of a team, helps children to make better contribution to the society at large.

整段分析：吐槽无力，考官水平的确是高！

第四段

In conclusion, although the sense ofcompetition gives children better self-motivation, the capability ofcooperation plays an indispensable role to cultivate their employable skillsand improve their competitive edge.

整体改正：In conclusion, although the sense of competition gives children better self-motivation, the capability of cooperation plays an indispensable role in cultivating their employable skills and improving their competitive edge.

吐槽：不要乱用大词好么，下划线的都是错误的用法。

—————无李取闹的分割线—————

小伙伴们，你的中文都不好，还指望英文能写好吗？！考官改错也好、local聊天也好，并不能解决你中文不好的现状，所以你的英语问题他们自然也是无法对症下药。

另外，今天教大家一个识别真假考官的方法。只要知道你的So called考官 OR 前考官的姓名和所在考场，即可向该考场写信核实。我们曾经核实过哦~墨尔本就有好几个“自封的考官”呢！为了吸引学生，什么广告都敢打，也是醉了！

学错误的方法、背低分的范文

拜冒充的考神、记无用的技巧

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